I Am An Idiot

Sometimes I get really frustrated with myself.

I get too worried about being comfortable and I don’t stop and pay attention to what someone is saying or doing. A gift of mine is that I am normally good with social cues…listening well, encouraging people, giving people the type of responses they desire, and deciphering people’s feelings and thoughts, as well as the signals they send.

But then comes those few times when I can’t read someone or someone says or does something I just don’t understand. Then I get scared. Scared because when I’m lost…I’m not in control. I’m too much of a control freak – communication is too important to me. When people say, “I cant talk to you about this right now,” or “I can’t tell you,” I immediately freak out and think the sky is falling…no matter how important it is or what the reason behind it is. I need to learn to stop being both insensitive and a wuss and just deal with people not wanting to tell me their entire thought process the moment they think it. Cause Ansen…that’s NORMAL!

I become so scared of any sort of lack of communication that I fear for my own happiness and begin to focus only on my needs instead of the needs of others. I hate me when I’m being selfish. I shut down my own communication. (What am I trying to accomplish? That’s something a second grader would do…the silent treatment game.) I stop helping people feel better about themselves and their situations and I begin to only care about my own comfort and happiness.

I fail to listen, I fail at being encouraging, I fail to even be remotely considerate and understanding.

Basically…I fail to keep myself rational. I think I’m kind of annoying when I do that.