Grand Prizes, Clarifications, and Quotes

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: Arielle

On August 3rd, 1989, Arielle was not born.

But she was brought home to a small three-bedroom house on Mission Street in St. Marys after being born the day before. Arielle’s childhood was a happy one, considering she had her amazing older brother and a very cool pet bird to keep her company. Arielle attended pre-school and kindergarten in St. Marys. Then the bird died because it fell in love with Arielle and proceeded to lay an egg that got stuck inside of itself and then broke inside of itself. But anyway. Arielle made her first best friend: Darcy. Darcy and Arielle started a frienship that almost produced memories all the way through high school. However, Ansen was too much of a stud and was now attending Cair Paravel-Latin School, and so Darcy and Arielle’s friendship was cut short. The family up and moved to Topeka.

Arielle was now attending first grade at CPLS in Mrs. Jernigan’s class. However, the Iowa Basics test didn’t look good. Arielle was only in the sixty percentile, which was one of the lowest in her class. Why? Because the education you receive from the St. Marys public school…well…scratch that. You don’t receive an education from the St. Marys public school. However, with the proper teachers in place, Arielle jumped up to the 97 percentile in just one year. And just like that, Arielle was a genius and Ansen was retarded.

From that point onward, Arielle achieved superior grades in school, except for in gym class. Over her time at CPLS, Arielle has grown mentally, spiritually, and not physically. Arielle is pretty short. Especially next to her stud brother (whom, you may have noticed, we treat with complete neutrality in this biography). Eventually a new girl moved into the neighborhood named Giselle: Arielle’s new best friend.

But in 1996, things were about to change. Well, I suppose it depends on what your definition of “about” is. If your definition is “one year” than things were about to change. Because in 1997 little Marhall was born. Then in 1998, things were about to change again. That’s right. In 1999, out popped another one. This one was called Maddie. Thanks to them Arielle spends at least a couple nights a week babysitting.

Now Arielle is almost all grown up, and is the second most cool kid in the Bayer family (tied with Marshall and Maddie, and only a tiny bit behind Ansen). As for the future, Arielle has given up her dreams of marine biology and is now thinking more about…other things. She thinks she will go to college, but is unsure where. She also plans on getting married, but doesn’t know to whom. She thinks she wants to have kids, but doesn’t know how many.

But no matter how much she doesn’t know, she does know two things for sure: 1) Ansen is a very cool person. 2) That Ansen thinks that she is a very cool person too.

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Well, again, thanks for your participation in my lame little competition, I hoped you enjoyed yourself. NOW, for a highly anticipated clarification. Nathan. First off, I want you to know that your one word got more thought than anybody else’s words. Second, I was not implying that you are obsessed with girls. If you haven’t noticed, everyone’s comments were not only describing them, but also sort of described the involvement that I have had with that person. And, especially earlier this year, most of my conversations with Nathan were about one topic: girls (think Summit). And so that’s really all I meant by it buddy. I have thouroughly enjoyed the conversations we’ve had about girls. That’s it.

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And now I have one thing left to offer: the…Quotes of the Day.

Abe: “Move out of the way so I can see Molly.”

Mr. Henry: “Andrew, will you pray please?”

Andrew: “Ok. Dear God, I thank you that this day went well….In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Ansen: “Andrew…it’s noon.”

Stewart: “Andrew, you have to take Cameron home after school.”

Andrew: “What?? What do you have to do?”

Stewart: “Dude, it’s half-price burger night at Spangles!”

Ansen: “Oh…sorry there Abe, I was blocking your view. ABE TURN AROUND!!”

Thomas: “There’s a hot chick in it.”

Ansen: “Oh, let me in.”

Andrew: “What?!?!?”

Ansen: “Nothing.”

Mrs. Hanson: “So in Shakesperian Tragedy…”

Joel: [Holding a Chewbacca doll] “WOOOOOAAHHHHRRRRRR!!!”

[Abe air-balls three-pointer]
Ansen: “That was an Andrew shot.”

[Thomas is juggling hacky-sack balls while Mrs. Hanson isn’t looking…]
Mrs. Hanson: “And so it’s a lot like…um…juggling?”

Nathan: “Someone’s going to get hurt. Probably Shane.”

Andrew: “I’m not above cannabalism if it means getting out of work.”

Abe: “I need to work on slapping myself.”

Andrew: “Mr. W…”

Abe: “Oh…grrr…that mumble mumble jerk mumble mumble samurai mumble mumble starship troopers…”

Abe: “Othello, based on a true story…”

Thomas: “Which means a black guy likes a white girl…”