State of the Ansen Address

Mr. Abe and Mr. Andrew, friends, honored guests, and fellow bloggers, I come before you today in order to fulfill a long-standing tradition that I am hereby starting on this day. From now on, once per year, I shall come before all of you to give the State of Ansen Address. I do this in order to form a more perfect blog and to hereby ordain and establish it as totally awesome. I shall lay out the plan on how we can improve Ansen over the course of this next year.

The state of Ansen is confident and strong. Ansen has been an active force of good in the world. In this last year we have seen considerable growth mentally, spiritually, and physically. But we have much left to do.

Ansen has been without a girlfriend for over a year. We are currently battling this recession, and we must not lose hope. We must not allow our morale to be weakened by those who would see us fall, rather we must press forward with firm diligence concerning the task that has been laid out before us. I cannont set up an artificial time-table as for how this will develop. But I promise that in this next year, Ansen will make progress in this area, and that he will do all within his power to rectify this sad situation. Meanwhile I urge the members of Congress to pass new legislation which will allow this process to move along at a quicker pace.

Today, Ansen has a healthy and growing economy. I am proud to report that since one year ago, the employment rate has increased 100%. Although Ansen is not working during the winter, we have been able to secure a job for this previously unemployed man, and now our economy will thrive like never before.

Through our “No Post Left Behind Act” we have seen an amazing post rate on Ansen’s blog. He went 30 for 31 in the month of January, and things are only going to improve from here. Through wise and effective reform, not only will the posting rate be extremely high, but the quality will go nowhere but up as well.

Currently, Ansen is waging a war on senioritis. This is something that we cannot avoid. You and I share responsibility to stay the course in this war. Pursuing our enemies is a vital commitment. I will do all in my power to form coalitions against this plague of our day, and mark my words: we shall come out on top.

I also wish to reiterate that I am in support of a constitutional amendment in support of awesomeness. Awesomeness is what Ansen is based on, and to take that away would be undermining his very way of life.

Finally, I cannot stress the importance of this enough: although we may be battling against senioritis, we cannot allow teachers to control the life of Ansen through the classroom. The teachers’ role in their relationship to Ansen is not to create oppresive homework. I will do all I can to see that homework does not show its face here.

As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded us, “each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth.” And Ansen is a person in which the biggest dreams are born. Good looks were once only a dream, until it was achieved. Smooth dance moves were once a dream, until they were accomplished. True, the road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable — yet we know where it leads: It leads to awesomeness.

Thank you and may God bless Ansen.