Lightbulbs

While trying to think of what topic I should post on tonight…the lightbulb inside my head suddenly flashed (or maybe it’s more like flickered) on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, here are, just for you, all the lightbulb jokes I know. Note: don’t bother with complaining about the political or religious ones just because they go against what you think. I disagree with many of them too. Just laugh.

Q. How many Massage Therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.

Q. How many Anglican ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Change? In an Anglican church? I think not!

Q: How many heterosexuals does it take to change in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many kids with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hey! Do you wanna go ride bikes?

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

Some political ones…

Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don’t know for sure, they’re still counting.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are already in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities present in the U.S.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800’ number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets Congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220. One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidate can’t even spell litebulbe, eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate’s families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three – one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn’t defective.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Time to make fun of my fellow band members…along w/ some other musicians, genres, or music-related items…

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter. Nobody will notice anyway.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.

Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck…

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, but you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to sing about how he drove his pick-up truck down I-39 to the store to get the lightbulb in the first place.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to a bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, much to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Just a few more to finish up…

Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 106. 1 to do it, 100 to say “Amen!”, 5 to take collections for more bulbs.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.

Q: How many boring and uncreative people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

And finally…sticking with last posts “dog” theme…I present you with the dog’s answer to the question , how many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …
A13. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster…
A15. Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.