As you may have noticed… it’s been a while. There are several very excellent excuses for the lack of blog writing in the last month. Namely: lack of motivation. Not just on the blog writing side, but across pretty much every area of my life. There were days where it was a struggle just to get dressed. Yeah, I know being a stay-at-home or work-from-home mom can certainly magnify the problem (what mom doesn’t say, “some days, I just want a shower!”), but it seemed to be something deeper. Of course the urgent things, like dirty diapers or the starving child, were taken care of in a timely manner, but anything else… forget it. Dishes were only done when we had nothing left to eat on. Laundry, when we had nothing left to wear. (And then, it usually sat in either the washer, dryer or a clothes basket for days. Gross, I know.) But even more than housework, I couldn’t find a reason to do anything, even things I usually enjoy.
I tried to snap out of it. I tried to find things to be excited about. I talked to the hubby. I spent time with friends. And still, a very deep sense of nothing. Blankness. After questioning and tears, I finally felt a small voice say, “maybe you’ve forgotten your first love.” Maybe in the midst of doing church work and going to church and being a Christian mom and a Christian wife (and pet owner, can’t forget my “first child”), maybe I forgot why any of it matters. Why I matter.
You know how when you see an old friend that you haven’t talked to in a while? How awkward it can be? Particularly if they’re someone you were very close to. Someone you shared your secrets with. And particularly if you feel like you were the one who drove them away. You know how it almost feels like they’re a stranger? But they still know your secrets? Tentatively, slowly, with feet dragging, we began to talk. I began to share my feelings. He listened. He nudged me along when I didn’t want to say more (ironic, since he already knows anyways). Then He spoke. They were hard words. Reminders that He hadn’t gone anywhere. Acknowledgement of my failures. Brokenness at how easily I forget Him. And yet, at the end of all of it, he loved me. Grace.
I can’t say that now, miraculously, everything is better or that I don’t still have feelings of apathy or complete and utter lack of motivation, but there is hope and a positive direction. There is a savior who hears the groanings of my heart and loves me still. He’s not interested in my doing, but in my being. I can rest in that. If that’s where you are, I pray that you too can rest in that.
Recently, I’ve had some deadlines for projects and a renewed determination to accomplish things, but it’s still there. The apathy. Waiting for the opportune moment. Like this morning, when Avie went down for a nap sooner than normal and I had a chance to either go back to sleep (which I need after being sick all weekend) or get started on my day. Instead, I piddled and sat around and wasted a perfectly good nap because I couldn’t make myself get dressed. But, once I realized this, I did manage to make the most of the rest of the day.
Anyway, since a month more than a month has passed, and my main purpose in this blog is documenting our lives… I have much to document! Please forgive me as I retroactively document. The next few posts over the next few days will be pre-dated! But don’t miss out on our trip to Kansas, our other trip to Kansas, baby clothes, Christmas decorations and much, much more! (Oh dear, I’m starting to sound like an infomercial.) I probably won’t put every link every post on Facebook, so you might want to make check to make sure you didn’t miss one. Enjoy!